Going home: fear of leaving.

Going home

Going home is a mixture of excitement and fear,

I don’t know what will happen when I leave,

Could it happen again, could I be back in days?

Going from watched every hour of the day to alone I go,

Fear is reasonable but unsettling.

Going home is a sign of improvement,

Reaching the final stage of recovery,

Returning to family and friends,

Normality scary but still progress,

Time to rest in my own bed.

Discharge coming but support needs to be in place,

Daily nursing visits must be arranged,

Special dressings ordered to come home with me,

Vac pump prepared and arranged for the journey,

Nearly got everything ready to go.

This is not the end of recovery but a new chapter,

Long hard weeks lie ahead,

Wounds that open waiting to heal,

Weakness I must battle an opponent unseen,

But victory I will achieve is what I believe.

Going home after hospital is a scary thing, especially after emergency surgery like I had because it’s possible it could happen again. Patients might be glad to go home and I am too but there is a bit of fear too. Reassuring patients that support is thereafter hospital is key to reducing the terror of going home. So this post got lost in the ether somehow since my surgery both of my wounds became infected, my old stoma site became septic. When I wrote this I didn’t know what was coming but I was prepared for a fight because after surgery I always expect the worst. Leaving hospital is usually a relief for me because I am usually healthy enough but this time it was simply the hospital was a dangerous place for me with my immunodeficiency. I returned home very weak with the need of assistance to get out of bed in the morning as my abdominal muscle was weak, I required dressings to be changed, food made for me and help to change my stoma bag. I have sacrificed a lot of things in my life: my dignity in needed to be bed bathed in my ICU stay; my freedom as my immune system means large crowded areas are dangerous; my self-image the scars, procedures my body has endured has shattered any love I had for how I look; my ability to work ‘hard’ my conditions sap my energy they bring me to my knees sometimes I used to be a great worker now I have to manage my time and how much I do so I’m not fatigued for the rest of the week.

This has been a struggle it has been nearly as hard as my ICU journey because I bounced back quicker from ICU even if I started from a worst position but the wounds and my weakness have set me back a lot but I am glad to say I can see the finish line in sight, my old stoma site is nearly completely healed and the mid wound is very shallow hoping to get it ‘scabbing’ soon.

The Battle: Surgery and recovery

Before I start I just want to say I am on strong painkillers and as such this might not be the most coherent writing I do.

The Battle 

Vomiting and pain is what brought me in,

Fluids and painkillers first action to be done,

Wait and see the plan to begin,

But worst I got, the pain advancing as the hours passed,

A scan ordered to see the matter.

A blockage in a dangerous place,

A battle with surgery I must face,

Sped off down to theatre to fix what needed fixed,

12 inches of bowl removed, two massive hernia repaired,

Resighted my stoma onto the left, 

an infected wound another field of battle.

ICU was where I was sent,

Opened my eyes the pain was gone,

Painkillers so wonderful, jumping for joy,

Tube removed from my throat in matter of minutes,

ICU is not a scary place, it is filled with friends I have made.

My speedy recovery in the initial meant my time in ICU was but hours,

Transferred up to high dependency to be watched every hour,

The pain intrusive but not overwhelming,

Progress made each day with tubes, devices and lines removed,

A week passes now moved to a general ward.

Progress stalls as little measurable progress can be seen,

Internal strength the only progress I can feel,

Motivation is hard to maintain,

In a room by yourself sanity is a strain.

But what I am built for is to battle and survive,

If you give me a chance I will stay alive,

I fight not because I want to but because it’s all I know.