The Evolution of Mark

Version 1(arrogant) Born with a serious glint in my eye, No in fact a terrible squint in my eye, Dyslexia made Academia hard, Struggling for each inch, each yard, Cocky little dude who had it to easy.
Until 14 his life was pretty easy, Doing well at school, no struggles, Diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, As well as Autoimmune Hepatitis, This was his end he turned the light out, He wasn’t equipped for the fighting.
Version 2 (Angry)  Every three months in the hospital admitted, Difficult to control my conditions, Changing of pills and increasing steroids, Rage building in my soul, Part pills and part self hatred.
Hard to get along with, In constant pain, lashing out, Hard to live with, But hard to be, Conditions downward spiralling.
Till the fateful week where the bowl failed, Blood running fast, A wish to be dead, Begging to end it all, No fight in his souls.
He died no the surgical table, Metamorphosis brought about a new age.
Version 3 (Mr Grit)
After the Surgery entered Mr Grit, A fighter at his core, Not stopped…

Terror on the horizon

Terror in my gut is rising, Gazing out my window at the horizon, Dark clouds looming, A storm is coming, Steadfast in its way, Girding myself for the fight.
My body wears battle scars, My medals of victory, Both pride and sadness, Wars I’d rather not’ve fought, Bitter sweet wins.
Broken, weakened, lifeless, Death awaiting beside me, But fight in me still, Digging my trenches, Readying for the war.
The battle done but the darkness remains, Friends and comrades fell, My sanity changed forever, Memories gone never to return, The darkness my friend my foe but never my master.
The 27th December is the anniversary of my admission which ended in my 3 week icu stay (17 weeks in hospital in total) I am so thankful that I am still here still fighting. I am grateful for the ICU staff at crosshouse hospital who gave me a fighting chance. I am thankful for the chance to volunteer with InS:PIRE and to speak at delirium conference in March. I have a lot to be thankful for and things I can still do, it…

My bowls, my surgery and my scars

Above is my abdomin at the moment I had surgery in August and it’s taking a while to heal so hence the dressing. Scar one is my original stoma site which was a stoma put in ~2010 it was placed as an emergency because I was bleeding profusely and wanted to die but it was the greatest thing ever because it stopped the pain of my ulcerative colitis and made me feel so much better I went from 60kg ish to about 75 kg and for 2 years it was bliss, I didn’t and still don’t like my stoma but it was a vast improvement. Then I started getting peristomal hernia and bowl twisting issues, I have had with that stoma maybe 8-10 hospitalisation with twists and two resulted in peristomal hernia repairs until 2015 when it was moved to site 2 now this stoma had no chance of surviving and it I am honest I am surprised it lasted as long as it did, it was another emergency move but one month after it I was in ICU for my coma time I went from 90kg down to 65kg (i’m 6’1” for reference) so all the muscle it w…

Capital Night

My trip to the capital quick and fun, Till we got to the centre then the nightmare begun, Round and round we go, tempers beginning to fray, Driving around till day became night, Thank gosh I only here for a one night stay.
Excited for the night out but equally frightened, These people I’ve met once so kind and inviting, I sit in my hotel anxiety building,  The knot in my stomach slowly churning, But my conditions will not stop me, Nor will I let them define me.
Met them once but some feel like lifelong friends, Funny how ICU can unite you, That journey shared needs not to be spoken, Each of us strong when formerly broken, Unashamed, unafraid, unbashful, Life is for living not living in fear.
They invited me even though practically a stranger, Accepted into their group without reservation, Fortunate to have such wonderful friends, Blessed to have found them in my recovery.

How nearly dying in ICU changed my life for the better

So I know recently I have became the poetry guy and I like that because I enjoy doing it and some people like to read them but I have departed from my primary purpose, To use my story to shed light on what it’s like to be an icu survivor, a sepsis survivor, a stomite, living with load of autoimmune issues and battling mental health issues. I have felt that in doing things that where funny and less serious that it has taken away from the serious cause.

But less about my hang ups and back to why you clicked here, how can nearly dying be a good thing I hear you and every rational thinking person saying. It’s simple from a young age I wanted to be a medical doctor because I wanted to help people and there is nothing more important than helping sick people get better. However as I grew old certain things became apparent, my dyslexia coupled with a school system that refused to accept it as a problem made it difficult for me to achieve what I would need to get into a medical degree coupled w…

Going home: fear of leaving.

Going home
Going home is a mixture of excitement and fear, I don’t know what will happen when I leave, Could it happen again, could I be back in days? Going from watched every hour of the day to alone I go, Fear is reasonable but unsettling.
Going home is a sign of improvement, Reaching the final stage of recovery, Returning to family and friends, Normality scary but still progress, Time to rest in my own bed.
Discharge coming but support needs to be in place, Daily nursing visits must be arranged, Special dressings ordered to come home with me, Vac pump prepared and arranged for journey, Nearly got everything ready to go.
This is not the end of recovery but a new chapter, Long hard weeks lie ahead, Wounds that open waiting to heal, Weakness I must battle an opponent unseen, But victory I will achieve is what I believe.

Going home after hospital is scary thing, especially after emergency surgery like I had because it’s possible it could happen again. Patients might be glad to go home and I am too but ther…

Ode to a Bacon milkshake

Ode to a Bacon Milkshake
Oh your sweet and savoury goodness, You fill my soul with rejuvenating energy, People question your worth but your greatness is for all to see, You flakes of bacony pieces breaking up the blandness.
Everyone I speak to about you rebut me as if I’m crazy, But when they taste you their mind is changed, It’s wonderful, amazing, incredible the words that leave their lips, Once you have hit their taste buds they can not resist.
You are soothing in the bad times and comforting in the good, You gave me drive in the darkness, You gave me an icebreaker for meeting new people, But most of all you built me up when I was weak.