International Nurses Day

Hey so today is international nurses day and I am always thankful for all the great nurses who have looked after me while I have been in hospital. They have made bad times less bad and recovery less daunting. But here's something you might not know if you have not read my early blogs four and a half years ago I would have died if it hadn't been for the instinct and actions of a nurse, DB. She thought I was a lot sicker than the ED medics thought and followed me up to general receiving and got me seen by the High dependency unit and less than 24 hrs later I was in ICU after my oxygen stats dropped to the low 80s and I was confused and incoherent as well as paranoid. If I had have been left on a general ward by the time it was noticed I had deteriorated I might have been a lot worst or even dead.

Then I was in ICU where a team of ICU nurses looked after me 24/7 for 3 weeks 2 and a half on a ventilator. The nurses controlling every aspect of my bodily function, it is an intense job for an intense ward, the fact is ICU nurses look after the sickest people in the hospital and help them recover from things that would kill others. They are some of the kindest people in the entire world, they see people at their absolute worst and still have smile on their faces. They work extremely hard in supporting the ICU survivors back to health.

So on this most important day I want to say thank you to all the hard-working nurses at NHS Ayrshire and Arran because without them I'd be in a much worst place but I also want to thanks some of my friends who are nurses, who work so very hard to make the world better for people either through world-class care or world-class research. 

Eve aka BrowofJustice, my friend who made me feel welcome on social media who helped me be the best me I could be and supported my writing when I was starting out.

Kate Tantam The RehabLegend, one of the hardest working people I know and one of the biggest hearts. She is a wonderful person and a great nurse trying to improve ICU for everyone.

Heidi Lindroth An ICU researcher and ICU nurse, she works hard to reduce delirium and is a is also a wonderful human being. Always looking for ways to make things better.

Kali Dayton Her podcast Walking Home From The ICU is a wonderful resource and a must listen to anyone who hasn't. IT is well thought out and executed and provides insight into a whole range of ICU related topics as well as views from lots of different health care professions. Yes she is a Nurse Practioner but you have to be a nurse first so I am counting her :)

Pam Ramsay  A former ICU nurse turned ICU researcher, she gave me my first chance of speaking about my time in ICU and my writing of poems. Without that first step I am not sure where I would be, it was big deal as she didn't know me and I had no idea who she was but she placed her trust in me and that meant alot.

Caroline Ashton I don't hold it against her that the first time we met she thought I was a waiter, I was wearing my three-piece suit and wasn't wearing my jacket so I understood the confusion. She is a hard worker trying to raise understanding of delirium and dementia mostly single-handed. She is a kind person who wants increase the understanding of Delirium superimposed on dementia.

There are so many other great nurses out there too but these are my friends and I am extremely honoured and humbled to call them that. Few can match them and none can surpass them. 

Going home: fear of leaving.

Going home

Going home is a mixture of excitement and fear,

I don’t know what will happen when I leave,

Could it happen again, could I be back in days?

Going from watched every hour of the day to alone I go,

Fear is reasonable but unsettling.

Going home is a sign of improvement,

Reaching the final stage of recovery,

Returning to family and friends,

Normality scary but still progress,

Time to rest in my own bed.

Discharge coming but support needs to be in place,

Daily nursing visits must be arranged,

Special dressings ordered to come home with me,

Vac pump prepared and arranged for the journey,

Nearly got everything ready to go.

This is not the end of recovery but a new chapter,

Long hard weeks lie ahead,

Wounds that open waiting to heal,

Weakness I must battle an opponent unseen,

But victory I will achieve is what I believe.

Going home after hospital is a scary thing, especially after emergency surgery like I had because it’s possible it could happen again. Patients might be glad to go home and I am too but there is a bit of fear too. Reassuring patients that support is thereafter hospital is key to reducing the terror of going home. So this post got lost in the ether somehow since my surgery both of my wounds became infected, my old stoma site became septic. When I wrote this I didn’t know what was coming but I was prepared for a fight because after surgery I always expect the worst. Leaving hospital is usually a relief for me because I am usually healthy enough but this time it was simply the hospital was a dangerous place for me with my immunodeficiency. I returned home very weak with the need of assistance to get out of bed in the morning as my abdominal muscle was weak, I required dressings to be changed, food made for me and help to change my stoma bag. I have sacrificed a lot of things in my life: my dignity in needed to be bed bathed in my ICU stay; my freedom as my immune system means large crowded areas are dangerous; my self-image the scars, procedures my body has endured has shattered any love I had for how I look; my ability to work ‘hard’ my conditions sap my energy they bring me to my knees sometimes I used to be a great worker now I have to manage my time and how much I do so I’m not fatigued for the rest of the week.

This has been a struggle it has been nearly as hard as my ICU journey because I bounced back quicker from ICU even if I started from a worst position but the wounds and my weakness have set me back a lot but I am glad to say I can see the finish line in sight, my old stoma site is nearly completely healed and the mid wound is very shallow hoping to get it ‘scabbing’ soon.

Ode to Extubation, Breathing and Moving: A patients perspective pt2

Why do you talk about me like I’m not here,

At the end of my bed you stand and stare,

I hear you talking about my care,

I’m not tolerating the reduced air.

Then the words that I fear, 

One last chance before a Tracheotomy,

But now I'm less sedated don’t ever underestimate me,

You don’t understand my strength of will,

You turn down my air and I force my lungs to work,

It is hard work to keep on breathing even with the aid of a ventilator,

Soon the decision for extubation,

This is cause for celebration.

Tube out my throat the start of healing,

Oh what a wonderful feeling,

Wait a minute why do I have to think to breath,

Why is it not so easy,

All my energy put into breathing,

The slightest movement is fatiguing.

I remember not thinking about breathing,

Not having to force air into my chest,

Why can’t I return to normal,

Why is everything I do a problem,

Barely able to move myself,

Unable to wash myself.

But I am a force of nature,

After a few days I forgot about breathing,

But my lungs remembered,

My next stage was to get to walking.

The physio-terrorists come in to see me,

Get to sit on the edge of the bed,

After 5 minutes I’m nearly dead,

After a few days I get aided into the shower,

Cleaning yourself even if aided has a special power.

Next comes walking as I regain my voice,

The Taurus my friend and enemy,

First day they want me to use the frame to pivot to the seat beside my bed,

I go for a walk to the ward room door instead,

Exclamations come out in surprise,

I’d lost a lot of weight and I was frail,

But never underestimate my power of will.

Each day I walk a little more,

Nurses watching as I grow stronger every day,

Starting to walk twice, thrice a day,

Leaving HDU I had no central lines, no ventilation or ng feeding,

I was not back to normal but the first time in months I look like a human.