Merry Christmas

 Merry Christmas, why when I feel like I am dying inside,

Why should I feel happy when nothing is right,

Why should I smile when I don't feel happy tonight,

Why do I fight every day of my life?

Because I won the fight and scars don't define me,

Because I am strong but my weakness is not a flaw,

Because I am loved and needed by many,

Because I will not give in to whatever faces me.

In 2015, on December 27th I nearly took a step into heaven,

Taken to ICU for three weeks I did stay,

Many times, with my life I did pay,

But I clung on with the love of my family and will.

This time of the year really does suck,

Hopefully, this year will be great with a little luck,

Maybe this year the trend I will buck,

Even if my brain in that time is stuck.

 

Bad days

 Todays a bad day in the worst way,

Hard times have been coming from all sides,

I’m stressed out my mind and it’s all of the time,

I can’t see an out at this even if I do grind.

The pressure is building and I’m ready to pop,

Every night sweating so much I needed a mop,

Strains on my body are showing their signs,

Ectopic beats weighing down on my mind.

I sit in my house wondering what path my future takes,

Praying to god that nothing else inside me breaks,

Hoping and wishing to be healthy enough to do it all,

Constantly waiting for that doctors call.

Temperature rising, inside I am dying as I feel like I’m frying,

Boiling from the inside out can be trying,

Then I get the antibiotics and now I’m crying,

Because they mess with my mood and leave me drowning.

WDAD 2022

 What does Delirium mean to you,

Does mean hard work and effort too?

Alarming, confusing or losing your mind,

Do you know how it feels inside.

2 times I have had delirium,

0 times people have spoke about it to me,

2 experiences where I had no control,

2 times where damage was done to my soul.

4 delirium days I’ve spoken or worked on,

A huge amount of effort to improve education,

Time for us to reflect and improve our behaviours.

Some times the small things make differences,

Quiet times can help us to sleep,

in our rest we can refine our feet

Delirium is tough can you spot what I’ve done.

Delirium

 Delirium is a sudden change in mental status,

I am going to tell you what it's like because it matters,

If you have further questions feel free to @ us,

At the end of words, I'll serve perspective on Platters.

I'm suffering from a kind of confusion,

My brain is acting slow, my thoughts I'm losing,

Drifting away and my control is gone,

Doing things that are definitely not me,

Don't know where I am can't count to three.

I can't feel safe here I don't know you,

Why are you trying to hurt me,

Where are my family, where did you take them,

What have I done to deserve this treatment?

The world is black as they attacked me,

My mouth won't work, why can't I move,

What are they plotting at the end of my bed,

Why do they want me dead?

The world is fussy what can I trust,

Everything looks clearer but can I trust,

These people looking after me were torturing me,

Now I've to trust them with my life,

I just got my sanity back, I'm so tired,

I'll just have a little nap, why do you keep talking,

My ears are blocking what you're saying,

I can't focus on you, I'm so tired,

Can't you tell I'm fighting for my life.

I'm Fine

 I'm Fine is what I say when asked,

I'm Fine even though I'm distressed,

I'm Fine even when the darkness holds me,

I'm Fine with a smile and dying inside.

I Need help and ask for it,

I Need help but they turn me away,

I Need help but I can't cope,

I Need Help but I'm not bad enough.

I'm Adrift lost in my thoughts,

I'm Adrift untethered floating away,

I'm Adrift in the storm coming,

I'm Adrift without a hand on the tiller.

I'm Not alone I have more support than I thought,

I'm Not Alone I've people to talk with,

I'm Not Alone the darks not so dark,

I'm Not Alone in being failed.

I think when someone goes to healthcare professionals and they agree that they need some mental health support/treatment and refer them to the service, I don't think its OK for that service to reject the referral. I also don't think its OK to send out a letter to arrive on a Friday when they won't be able to contact you. I don't think the content of that letter should sound like you are speaking to someone who has not made any attempts to help themselves. Nor should the only alternatives they offer be a mixture of Self harm and suicide hotlines (if people need these you shouldn't be rejecting them) and online resources which all cover the same things which I have done before and are no longer working. I understand that Mental Health resources are stretched beyond what they can cope with but rejecting a referral the day they got it is dangerous. Letters sent out like the one I received may be the last straw for someone who mustered up the courage to ask for help.

Asking for help with your mental health as a Man is hard and was not helpful to my recovery.

The eye of the storm

 

I sit here in the calm,

The Wind Battering the defences,

Listening as it passes through the gaps,

Feeling like the walls may give?

 

The calm at the eye sees the destruction,

It sees what will come to consume it,

Damage it will reek if the eye moves,

If the eye collapses in on itself.

 

I look at the trees fell,

The world brought to a halt,

Held in place wondering what’s going on,

Watching as the wolf blows down the house.

 

Now we walk in the damage,

We try to patch the holes, replace the walls,

Put roofs back on, bring back energy,

And Figure out how to cope in the new reality

Friends

 I never knew what true friendship was,

Until I found you all, it makes me so glad,

To find out how many true friends I have,

The support and encouragement fills me with joy,

You give me confidence and faith to achieve,

Even when in myself I don't believe.

Thank you to you all for the love you have shown,

With your support, my confidence has grown,

 When times were so tough you lent me your ear,

Even in those dark days filled with nothing but fear,

A debt I now owe that can't be repaid,

But I'll try my best till my dying days.

My journey nearly ended six years ago,

My life nearly ebbed when it needed to flow,

But I am here now with resolve for the fight,

Trying my best to fight for what's right,

Stand up to delirium is my passion forever, alright,

To beat it completely will take all of our might.

So to end this verse on a high,

I'll say but a few words,

Lets keep moving forward not backwards,

We'll band together to say to Delirium Goodbye.