4 Years Surviving: Am I thriving?

27th Deceember 2015: the single worst day in my life and I have no memories of it. But engrained in my heart, soul and bones, The day I was moved from HDU to ICU. Circling the drain, going insane, IV drugs in my veins, sedation, and analgesia to numb the pain.

So four years on everything is going smoothly, living my best life fully recovered from ICU right because  4 years that's long enough to recover right? Well yes and no, I have recovered from a lot of things and surviving ICU has given me a level of confidence and self-assurance I never had before but I am still broken. Parts of me won't get better, my mental health is affected and will never be as robust, my memory is sketchy not as bad as it was but I've hit a plateau and other physical issues.

Am I worse than I was 4 years ago, In an immediate sense nope because at this time 4 years ago I was pretty much dying so I am vastly better but Am I better than I was before ICU. Objectively? Kind of, I am different as I am sure anyone who knew me before my ICU stay will attest too. My personality has changed and not in a bad way, I am less concerned with failing or what people think and more concerned with trying to be positive and bring the mood up. I am less afraid to do things and put myself out there, I would never have written a blog 4+years ago. So some of the bad things? The scars on my skin, that most other people don't notice, hold trauma for me that might have faded but have not departed. My beard is not just to keep my face warm but hide the neck scar which makes my stomach cold to the core. What ICU weakened in my body it strengthened in my resolve and my soul.

A second chance at life? Pretty precious right? What would you do with yours? Me? I'm trying to get the best care for as many ICU people as I can. It's my passion, my calling and the reason I am here. The best way to thank those who saved my life is to bust my ass off to make sure everyone who needs ICU care gets the highest quality care they can. Now I will never be an Intensivist, ICU nurse, Physio or OT or anyone else involved directly in ICU care but what I can and am trying to do is tell these people what it's like to be in the ICU bed. Because it is hard to imagine what it is like to be in there, I used to think people in ICU were just sleeping. This couldn't be further from the truth, it's like living in a nightmare you can't wake up from and for me, 7 years of torture happened in those 2 and a half weeks.

But I am getting sidetracked but here are some straight facts, more than 500 people follow me on twitter, I know that doesn't sound like a huge number but it is to me. 500 people think I have important/useful things to say. That means a lot to me and a lot of them have 'spoke to me on twitter about one thing or another which makes me feel useful. In the end, after surviving ICU I just want to help people and these are the ways I feel I can.

Thank you every single person who follows me, you are all awesome people doing awesome things even when you don't know it. I wanted to do something for getting 500 followers but I couldn't find any words that could convey how I felt but Thank you. I love talking about ICU and delirium, hearing what is going on research-wise and more importantly in the wards. You inspire me to work, hard and spread my experiences further. Thank you, everyone, for making a place known for being unfriendly and rude to be a safe place where I can feel at home with friends and people who actually care about me.

I can't repay your friendships but I hope we can all work together to make the world a little bit better

Dear My Past Self

Dear Mark of yesteryear,

In your life, you will have much to fear. The Loss of your Grandfather you hold so dear. Your health will not last past your fourteen year. In your time there will be much cheer, success academic and socially. You will not have smooth sailing this is the truth, you will not get a chance to misspend your youth. The hospital will soon become your second home, the nurses of the ward, first named terms you become. With the struggles, you will learn the measure of your soul, even when your illnesses will taketh their toll. In your struggles, you will find out whom are your friends for sure, those who never visit struck from that list, feel no sadness for they will not be missed.

Your Immune System will betray you taking from you your intestine for sure, it attacks your blood, liver but to name a few. Its attacks relentless will sometimes leave you exposed to those infections none of us would choose. Influenza can break you this is the truth as it left you helpless for over a week. But that is the least of the problems you've faced. An Infection will send you to the ICU lungs inflamed and filling with fluid, soaked with sweat every second of every day. So close to death you will never really appreciate, but your family called in to be told of your imminent demise but stronger than they expected you where inside. We are tough forged in the fires of hell but tempered in the love of those we hold near.

When you start to help in things medical new friends you will find, from all across the globe both far and near. It might surprise you how important these friends will become, helping and supporting you at every turn. Helping you to see the impact you can have and showing you love of which you are glad. A whole world of opportunities opened up to you from the support of those great people, giving you the platform to help others which has always been your dream.

Unconditional love from strangers might sound strange but it is there, respect shown for the facts you are sharing. Every single one caring about your health.

From

Your Older wiser Self