My open Address to ICU Staff

These words that are to follow are from my heart,

I know right now that times they are a tough,

And your body and your mind are telling you enough,

I watch on in horror I don't know what to do,

There will always be a bond between me and you.

I have borne witness to your superhero nature,

Asked to do the impossible never fazed and always gracious,

You work so hard to bring those back from the brink,

Care for those people with a fire that's tenacious,

Even if the patient's progress seems glacier.

  

I see your struggle and I feel your pain,

I lay in that bed, a person you have saved,

So if you need me now in this time of your struggle,

I offer you my hand as any brother would do the same,

If you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on,

You can have mine too,

ICU ain't easy this we know as facts,

But why do we forget the protectors who had our backs?

I struggled in silence with a lot of my issues,

But let me tell you this it's not the model you must use,

Reach out to others what you must do,

We're all in this together is how the song goes,

There is more to you than your fingers and toes.

Mental health is something we don't reference,

A taboo topic especially in healthcare,

So we let it fester and affect our welfare,

So if you are broken or confused, 

Just remember you're human it can happen to you,

You need to ask for help there is no shame in that,

We're all just people trying to make it through,

But I see you and the awesome work you do.

To my family in the ICU,

If you are reading this then that means you,

We can work together to get through this,

I understand that we expect a lot,

But I know you're human not a robot,

You are all awesome of that I have no fear,

But we are here to support you in your time of need.

International Nurses Day

Hey so today is international nurses day and I am always thankful for all the great nurses who have looked after me while I have been in hospital. They have made bad times less bad and recovery less daunting. But here's something you might not know if you have not read my early blogs four and a half years ago I would have died if it hadn't been for the instinct and actions of a nurse, DB. She thought I was a lot sicker than the ED medics thought and followed me up to general receiving and got me seen by the High dependency unit and less than 24 hrs later I was in ICU after my oxygen stats dropped to the low 80s and I was confused and incoherent as well as paranoid. If I had have been left on a general ward by the time it was noticed I had deteriorated I might have been a lot worst or even dead.

Then I was in ICU where a team of ICU nurses looked after me 24/7 for 3 weeks 2 and a half on a ventilator. The nurses controlling every aspect of my bodily function, it is an intense job for an intense ward, the fact is ICU nurses look after the sickest people in the hospital and help them recover from things that would kill others. They are some of the kindest people in the entire world, they see people at their absolute worst and still have smile on their faces. They work extremely hard in supporting the ICU survivors back to health.

So on this most important day I want to say thank you to all the hard-working nurses at NHS Ayrshire and Arran because without them I'd be in a much worst place but I also want to thanks some of my friends who are nurses, who work so very hard to make the world better for people either through world-class care or world-class research. 

Eve aka BrowofJustice, my friend who made me feel welcome on social media who helped me be the best me I could be and supported my writing when I was starting out.

Kate Tantam The RehabLegend, one of the hardest working people I know and one of the biggest hearts. She is a wonderful person and a great nurse trying to improve ICU for everyone.

Heidi Lindroth An ICU researcher and ICU nurse, she works hard to reduce delirium and is a is also a wonderful human being. Always looking for ways to make things better.

Kali Dayton Her podcast Walking Home From The ICU is a wonderful resource and a must listen to anyone who hasn't. IT is well thought out and executed and provides insight into a whole range of ICU related topics as well as views from lots of different health care professions. Yes she is a Nurse Practioner but you have to be a nurse first so I am counting her :)

Pam Ramsay  A former ICU nurse turned ICU researcher, she gave me my first chance of speaking about my time in ICU and my writing of poems. Without that first step I am not sure where I would be, it was big deal as she didn't know me and I had no idea who she was but she placed her trust in me and that meant alot.

Caroline Ashton I don't hold it against her that the first time we met she thought I was a waiter, I was wearing my three-piece suit and wasn't wearing my jacket so I understood the confusion. She is a hard worker trying to raise understanding of delirium and dementia mostly single-handed. She is a kind person who wants increase the understanding of Delirium superimposed on dementia.

There are so many other great nurses out there too but these are my friends and I am extremely honoured and humbled to call them that. Few can match them and none can surpass them. 

Delirium not just for christmas it's for life.

Delirium is like all the bad things in your life all rolled into one,

It's like a nightmare you can't wake up from,
It's like your life has become a bad horror film,
People hunting you, experimenting and killing

Reality gone, trying to adapt to what's going on,
Brain trying to make sense of the pain,
Every cut, every conversation that you had,
We are sedated not dead, we hear everything that is said,
Just our brain can't compute enough said?

To us, you are plotting and scheming our demise,
Or maybe even just want to cut out our eyes,
Everything you do will affect us its true,
We're fighting for our lives so give us our due,
What looks like to you to be 'Pleasantly confused'
Is us frightened beyond words I can speak,
Knowing what's happening the term leaves me bemused,
The person is suffering not Pleasantly or truly confused.

Delirium doesn't take away our ability to think,
It takes away reality and leaves us to sink,
To process a world without any cues,
Outside of what we feel and process its true,
The line in my neck inserted though an incision?
To me someone trying to bleed me to death.

Those Art lines used to monitor my blood?
Was someone cutting my wrists and inserting probes to torture,
So remember this as I tell it so clear,
I might be sedated but the pain it is real,
Remember the people whom hold me so dear,
Remember everything you do I can feel.

So in ending, I bring my point to the clear,
Try to whisper because I can hear,
Not just a body or a puzzle to solve,
A person, a Human and someone who's loved,
So it's simple, what you must do,
What would you want done if in that bed it was YOU

Foot steps: The Journey

We never look at how far we've come,

We just look at how long we have left,

My journey is far from done,

Had to lift friends when they can't get up,

Been held up on my dark days.

Started my recovery journey by my self,

Now I have lots of help,

A whole team of people supporting me,

I survived by my strength of will,

It was no sort of skill,

The Sepsis wouldn't let me be,

ARDS tried to be the end of me.

But now I look beside me,

What do I see?

Friends and Family,

All who have, love for me!

My heart is full,

With all the love I am shown,

Friendships have grown,

We're all fighting for a cause,

To make ICU life and survivorship better.

Recovery isn't easy but it starts with a single step,

Sometimes it is easy, 

Sometimes it takes everything you've got,

But with the RehabLegend family behind you, it's no stress,

We are here to help you be your best,

But remember no matter how hard it gets,

We are all here for you,

To help support in this test,

We have walked this path and survived,

So can you, we will gladly help you if you need us too.

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I have had a lot of bumps in my path through life but I am still standing (for 2 minutes at a time mind you) still smiling (unless I cracked a tooth) and trying to live my life as fully as I can. There are lots of inspirational people in this world and lots of people who want to help people. I have met tonnes of them, the greatness and kindness of people are immense. To the 500 plus people who follow me on twitter (I have no idea why you do) but you all mean a lot to me. To my friends whom I seem to have more than I could ever imagine having before as the guy who was sick a lot and in the ital more than the average person.

Thank you all for being my friend and listening to me when I have been struggling with life, anxiety, my health in general and a whole host of other things.

But most of all Thank you, everyone, that reads this it means the world to me and I hope that it makes you smile or feel inspired or anything else really. Thank you, you mean the world to me.

Antibiotics what are they good for? Quiet a lot but it’s not all roses

So last week I had a virus that hit me really hard and made he quiet weak, spiking temperatures upwards of 38.8c so in my weakened state other things like to jump on me. So I started having shortness of breath and a congested feeling so back to GP I went for third time in 10 days. My chest was clear on listening, my sats and pulse was ok but I was given amoxicillin because how I felt and my neutropenic condition.

Now don’t get me wrong I need the antibiotics but that doesn’t mean there is not down sides. So I think everyone knows the ‘normal’ side effects of antibiotics like digestive distress, nausea etc the ‘mundane’ things people expect even if diarrhoea can be dangerous to a person with a stoma it generally manageable. There is at least in me a more insidious issue these drugs bring to me, so when I get prescribed these I am generally not in the best of places physically or mentally to start with. They lower my mood and make me feel depressed, it doesn’t help recovery when you don’t want to do anything and everything you do is so much harder just because of your mood.

When I am unwell I have to force myself to get up and not just lay in my bed because I know it won’t help me get better. The psychological effects of medication can have a huge impact on a patients recovery and I think this is a side effect that isn’t talked about and it leaves patients left feeling pretty shitty about themselves because they don’t know what is going on. So here is an espresso blog post to try and help you understand antibiotics effect you in more ways than you think. If antibiotics make you feel down please tell someone, while they can’t change how they will effect you they can help support you through it. Do not suffer in silence, their are no medals in life, we all need to help each other through our hard times so we can get back to shining.

If you like this concept of short blogs on one idea let me know and tell me other things you’d like to hear about?

The light and the Dark: How the hard times are hard

So I’ve been having a hard time at the moment, writing has been really hard as my creativity has been  fleeting at best. The stresses of life and my physical health holding me back, being my best self is tough. So right now I am just having a pity party but I’ll get there with the help of my good friends like Mitochondrial St.eve , Kate Tantam , Louise Gallie , Dr Nitin Arora , Dr Heidi Lindroth and Dr Segun Olusanya So I have worked on this poem, well I am not sure it’s really a poem it’s more of a moan, so if you could indulging me by reading it. Thank you everyone, we are all people on the boat trying to sail to where we want to go.

Ok so some safety and administration so Trigger warnings

Suicidal thoughts,

Depression,

Emotional abuse,

Self deprecation,

Moaning.

Stay safe 

When I was born, I spread my wings,

Came into the world filled with love,

Brought up in a good home,

Worked hard to be the best me I can be.

But my eyes didn't want me to reach there,

Crossing themselves making it hard to read,
Under the knife, I went to sort it out aged 5,
Eyes straight now back on the grind.

But these words are making me stressed,
The letters dancing on the page,
Dyslexia, causing stress on my brain,
Told I am not that clever,
Ain't no Einstein,
True that's a fact,
I see further by standing on the shoulders of Giants.

They told me I'd never be a writer,
Told me I wasn't a fighter,
Told me my star wouldn't get brighter,
Told me I was worth less than I was.

As I grew, saw where my talents lay,
Science made me like I belonged,
What mattered to me was the bonds,
I got my grind on studying hard,
Every page had to read a couple dozen times,
To make sure it sunk in.

I was swimming in a world of words,
Letters swimming over the page,
Until my 30's never knew where and were, were different,
My health trying to break me as I study,
Hospital admission every 3 months,
Exams 2 weeks in the hospital,
Stress not something I coped with.

Made it to University with grades they didn't expect,
Got that Higher English C,
Told me I couldn't so I did it,
But University was a different kettle of fish,
More support but more stress, more deterioration,
Body starting to give out, UC nearly ended me,
Bowel removed in an emergency,
Screaming please kill me please,
Praying to return to my maker.

Surgery sorted me out,
No pain when I didn't know I had been in pain,
But going forward my immune system made life hard,
Now I look at my body covered in scars,
They are defeats but also what I overcame.

Then in ICU I found myself,
That time was tough,
Endless fighting but never gave up,
Scars that where left messed me up,
Anxiety, depression and PTSD,
These my new friends which numbered three.

Recovery from ICU long time it does take,
Every once in a while my brain it will break,
Leaving me staring down the abyss of fate,
But my friends I hold dear, support me here,
even when my heart is filled with fear.

Life it goes on but not easily,
Struggles and strain,
Daily overcome,
It's hard sometimes it's not a lot of fun,
But remember these word when you feel overrun,
You're a Rehab Legend each and every one,
We support each other through the bad times that come.

Pain: We all Hurt Sometimes

We all hurt sometimes,

And that's ok,

Sometimes our bodies fail us,

Or perhaps we hurt ourselves,

But remember when you look at someone in pain,

It might not be that moment that caused the true pain.

We all struggle sometimes that's just life,

You might disagree with your husband or wife,

But on this world we all grip on tight,

Because in this life we face trouble and strife,

Little acts of kindness might make it more bright?

We are individuals all struggling at times,

A true friend supports you in these hard days,

Assisting you in all the mountains you climb,

So invest in good friendships, in safety it pays,

True friends will love you till the end of your days.

On this ship that is my life, The captain I am,

But the crew that supports me is incredibly large,

Doctors, Nurses and Family so large,

Without all the aid of those who have given,

I might be with the Father who art in heaven.

My path hasn't been easy but not the hardest by far,

Overcome so much but others have it so hard,

So be thankful for what you have and be glad,

Because in a moment life can turn very sad.

We all have so much in this life we can give,

So when you see sadness try to brighten it,

When a friend is having it tough,

 Show them how amazing they truly are,

For kindness is not so easily forgotten, 

Might change their whole world or at least their day.