Sunshine

 The Sun blazing down on me,

Heating the air like an oven around me,

The air clear and fresh, colours so bright,

A cooling breeze making it bearable.

Windows open to kill the house,

Hoping to stop the temperature rising,

A battle I cannot win, starting to sweat,

Cars passing breaking up the silence,

The only sign that time was moving.

The yellow glow of light hanging in the sky,

Seemingly motionless with the heat overbearing,

Not a single cloud to block its sight,

Ever seeing, ever bright, ever burning.

Every floor showing under its inspection,

The glow-giving no quarter, clear of vision,

Every second wife renewed, give him energy and hope,

It is the spring the time of renewal. 

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The Sun dances in and out,

But when it is here it screams and shouts,

Say I'm here, for now, to sweat you out,

Hydration is key in these times of heat,

If I get dehydrated I will taste defeat.

Some days Hotter than the fires of Hell,

Next comes rain and coolness for all,

This is summer here in Scotland that is true,

Waking up in the morning with absolutely no clue,

Will, it be Hot or will it not,

Sometimes you have to go outside and just take a shot.

This is our penance for the gifts we are given,

A landscape that was surely from heaven,

Water so clean and so very pure,

River fill with fish I'm absolutely sure,

We here in Scotland are so very fortunate,

For we have everything you could ever have needed.

So in this the summer that has burned so hot,
I say roll on autumn so I can finally move,
For all of this heat for me is bad news,
A danger to stoma it is very true,
But here is a secret just for me and you,
I am thankful every day that I am alive,
For too close to its end, I have come.



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Hey Guys I am still alive but between the heat, preparing for the EDA conference and teaching day and a lack of inspiration I have been a bit quiet but I found the first poem I wrote in the spring so I decided to add one about summer so that it was 'up to' date. I have a lot of things going on with my health at the moment so I have been a bit less motivated but I am trying to get back into writing my poems as they help me cope. I hope you all enjoy them and if you are experiencing the heatwave at the moment whether you are a doctor, nurse,  patient or anyone else please make sure you drink enough dehydration is very easy to get into but can be a lot harder to get out and can be very dangerous.

Thank you, everyone, for reading these and I really hope you enjoy them.

Delirium: A bullet to the brain!

Ok, so I don't normally put warnings on my writing because I think if you come here you know what to expect. It is after all a blog/poem page about my medical life. However, this poem is a little different and being at least slightly self-aware I know that my experience may be upsetting to others.

If suicide or self-harm topics will cause you distress or upset please stop reading. If it is a topic you are not comfortable talking about or do not feel comfortable with do not read any further. Have a lovely day and please understand that the experiences that follow are mine and are from my delirium. I did not actually do them but I believed I did in that state as I thought it was the best thing to do at the time. I am safe, happy and not a danger to myself. Thank you for your concern it is greatly appreciated and I love every single one of you. Scroll to find the poem I am putting a large block of white space in an attempt to make it so you don't read it accidentally when you don't want to.

Resources Regarding Delirium NB. these are endorsements and my recommendations:

http://www.scottishdeliriumassociation.com/
http://www.criticalcarerecovery.com/

TW suicide and self-harm

Delirium is crazy it makes you insane,

Believing things that make no sense,

Being hunted down worldwide by nameless foes,

Being held down in water drowning to death,

Brought back to suffer some more.

Cut open and made to bleed from my wrist,

Suffering for information I won't give,

Put in situations designed to cause harm,

Put in a freezer to try and kill me.

Shock probes in my arms to force the truth,

But in my defence I was absolute,

I would not betray the safety of my family,

I would not give in to those who harmed me,

They have so much to live for and achieve,

So Stalwart in my resistance and belief.

The toll it was taking in seven years,

Poking at my weakness and vulnerabilities,

Breaking me down with time I sensed,

Found a gun and put it to the side of my head,

Pulling the trigger hoping for death,

Keeping my family safe with the last act,

Time slows, the fire burrowing deep in my brain,

Then darkness for a second, then back to hell again.

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Hey guys thanks for reading I hope this gives a more in-depth idea of what delirium is like. It was the worst time of my life and I hope you can understand these types of experiences and why they can cause mental health issues. Delirium is a nightmare you can't escape or tell it is a nightmare. I am three and a half years after my delirium incident but it still affects my mental ability, thinking and concentration. It is not a joke, it is an extremely serious issue.

My Immune System

Its an oxymoron in reality,

Low counts with hyperactivity,

Low numbers but massive self-damage,

Weakening me to all sorts of infection.

White cell count constantly on the floor,

Count of .8 rarely more,

Prophylaxis administered to keep me safe,

Every runny nose or sore throat, a terror in my soul,

Every coughing person a threat to my life.

Reclusive I became as safety was my aim,

But mental health can't survive when left alone,

So, balance the risk of socialising I must,

Hand gel and hand wash my soldier in defence,

Reducing contact, another field of the fight,

Choosing carefully where and when I commit my life. 

For 2 years I was asked what chemo I was on,

As that was the logical explanation for my plight,

For the risk infection posses to my life,

Why I can't have live vaccines ever in my life,

It is easy to laugh and easy to joke,

But the simplest of infections can land me in hospital,

If even a day I delay, In ICU I might end up laid. 

My Friend: Kate

My Friend Kate, Isn't she great,

Helping all those patients rehabilitate,

With Hovis the dog and a dam cape,

Battling Delirium in her ICU,

Fighting for the garden for all to recuperate.

Bring positivity and bright light,

To all those who help in the rehabilitation fight,

Lightboxes distributed freely with joy,

Even gave one to this here boy.

Helping promote causes close to her heart,

Working really hard to mend what's torn apart,

Bring joy and happiness to everyone,

Bringing positivity on twitter I see,

Now in charge of @NHS for a whole week.

All those #RehabLegends being brought to sight,

All the hard work for all to see,

People working hard helping people like me,

Bring the NHS social Media might,

To show all the great people working into the night,

Every single hour of every single day,

Superheros of the NHS are saving the day.

Ok so this poem is about Kate Tantam I Have never met her in person but she sent me the lightbox you see on my twitter account. I really appreciated it, I don't do anything for acclaim but it is always nice when someone says your doing a good job. In fact, in this case, it brought me to tears, it was an act of kindness which touched me greatly.

I have not been feeling very creative the last few weeks so I had been thinking of ending the #MarksWednesdayPoetry but the last two weeks I have got inspired the day before. I hope you still like these but I can't see it happening weekly anymore as I am all creativitied out :) 

Pleasantly Confused?

Pleasantly Confused?

As a term leaves me utterly bemused,

Your lack of understanding can be excused,

With my words, this explosive term will be diffused,

It's not your fault this term you've misused,

A little understanding of the term I'll infuse.

Pleasantly Confused?

I was neither you see,

Delirium's not fun in any which way,

In a constant state of fear all day?

Absolutely certain I was being harmed,

Absolute clarity in the pain I was dealt,

Every single cut, every terror-filled moment felt.

Pleasantly Confused?

I'm absolutely certain you tried to slit my throat,

Wonder why I don't trust you?

Would you, you are my jailer, my abuser,

Confused, why your help is refused?

Pleasantly Confused?

I'm not agitated or confused, I'm Terrified,

Just because you can't see it doesn't make it less real to me,

Just because no blood test shows it doesn't make it less real to me,

Just because you don't understand it doesn't make it less real to me,

You understand other illnesses so why not Delirium?

Ok So thanks for reading the poem, Delirium is a very serious issue, as you will all know I had ICU delirium. So when I hear the term confused I get very angry, it speaks to a fundamental lack of understanding, now I get that the education on delirium hasn't been great and as such the medical profession has been severely let down. But you can help bring about the change and get rid of this term being used, Delirium is not a dirty word or a death sentence. Use the 4AT, CAM-ICU, CAM, DSM-V or whatever tool your hospital uses, speak to the trained people in diagnosing delirium. Everyone is on the same team, noticing, diagnosis and treating delirium can have a huge impact on the after-effects the patient suffers. So, please help make the world a bit better for Delirium sufferers and survivors.

SIGN created an excellent guideline which gives a whole host of extremely useful information:

https://www.sign.ac.uk/sign-157-delirium.html

Pressure

Choosing to help is a wonderful thing,
But extra baggage it does bring,
Hold other peoples problems is a heavy task,
But friends help each other through thick and thin,
In the lightest and darkest days,
Soring high and surviving the lows,
True friends never come and go,
From beginning to end.

Stresses and strain are a burden on the soul,
Supporting each other with our strengths,
Covering our weaknesses protecting from hurt,
Growing together improving our worth,
Stronger together than ever apart,
Building together a better world.

We band together like Carbons in Diamond,
Bonded together with the pressure of life,
More valuable together, greater net worth,
Survivors together surviving our curse,
Making things better for those who come after,
Positivity and support our true masters

Blood Draw

Viens healing after years of blood draws,

Scarring formed from excessive abuse,

Pain growing with there ever use,

These blood tests needed to decide my fate,

Doses and drugs affected by their results.

These simple tests saved my life,

Found conditions before symptoms,

Identified conditions when our hair we where pulling,

Found my complexity and genetic issues,

Autoinflammatory issues hidden until the blood draw.

The Dark Red liquid as valuable as gold,

The loss of it in large amounts fatal,

But the gift of it in Pints a noble cause,

Many units I've had, Thank god for every donor.

If you are ever wondering what the greatest gift is?

Donating blood is high on the list,

Saving a life every 2 months! Woah that's great,

I owe my life to donors giving me my life,

Without a thought saving people like me.

Those bags famous on TV  as if infinite,

Misleading facts, Blood not wanted to run out,

The kindness of strangers keep those in need alive,

When down fighting for your life the gold heaven sent.

Blood giving the strength to fight,

The energy as well as protecting organs from its lack,

Life restored in the worst of cases,

Now let's talk about White Gold aka Platelets,

Stopping bleeding in those without,

Stopped me bleeding to death from ITP,

White and Red gold, Life-saving, a Most precious gift given.

Hey guys, I just want to say, anyone who is reading this and has donated blood, thank you from the bottom of my heart. That act probably saved someone's life, that is a fact, you are a hero. There is no measure of the value of that gift.

If you haven't given blood I would implore you if you can give blood please seriously consider doing it. If for no other reason than if you were in an accident you would want there to be your type of blood ready for you if you needed it.

If you are in Scotland you can check here to see if you can give and where here: https://www.scotblood.co.uk/giving-blood/

England: https://www.blood.co.uk/

Wales: https://www.welsh-blood.org.uk/giving-blood/

Northern Ireland: https://nibts.hscni.net/donating-blood/where-to-donate/

American Red Cross: https://www.redcrossblood.org/

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed the poem and maybe consider giving blood if you haven't already.