Numbers

Numbers are my life,

They dominate every aspect of my life,

If I can go outside comes down to The roll of a dice,

This is my life, this is my strife.

I used to smile more than I do,

I used to be happy, ignorance is bliss,

These are not the days that I miss,

I miss those days taken from me,

Missing my brother’s wedding cut me deep in my soul.

Numbers are everywhere especially these days,

We hear about all the numbers everyday,

These numbers are overwhelming,

Numbers that represent lives effected,

They are thrown about just matter of fact.

My number of friends has expanded,

As my heart swells, with affection I’m shown,

People who want to join me in this fight,

Those who want to be part of my life.

Thank you to everyone,

You mean so very much to me,

I hope I don’t disappoint, as I try my best.

Protect the Protectors

We must protect those who look after us,

I watch from the sidelines as they are breaking,

I watch as my friends wills are taken,

I watch at my heroes dangerous undertaking,

I see ICU bursting at the seams.

Our guardians of our bodies while in a coma we ‘sleep’,

The stresses and strain on their shoulders we heap,

But our burdens and secrets we ask them to keep,

All of the noise wearing them down with ever machine beep,

Look at them as individuals, not mindless sheep.

These are my family these are my people,

Those who administer my metaphorical sleep pill,

Who stood with me through every valley and hill,

Those who where there for me when I was ran through the mill,

People whom I have so much respect for still.

Our protectors, problem solvers and healers,

Stripping back our issues the ultimate revealers,

Not from the potter verse but alas death dealers,

A burden they wear under layers of concealer.

These are my people, my friends, my family,

Their struggle is mine implicitly,

I will carry their burden if asked of me,

Like Lydia I will do it willingly.

But here is the thing I want you to know,

You are not alone, their are people you can phone,

You can send me a tweet or even a Dm,

If you are struggling or needing a friend,

I’m a survivor but so are you,

If you need a hand I will help you to.

Take my hand like you would take from a brother,

Embrace me fully because I love ya,

You are important to more than just me,

You are a hero in case you can’t see,

You battle with death every single day,

Doing the impossible is all I can say.

I know times are hard, I know you are in a lot of ways under appreciated. You are being over worked and asked to do more than you where already doing. It is not unnoticed I see the hard work and monumental effort you are putting in to keep people like me safe and help those sick to get through this. Thank you I see you and so do so many people. Thank you for your hard work.

Scots Life

It's a sair fecht, everyday a fight,

Ever neuk crannie I look hardship I find,

My body trying to take my life, roch,

Fae here back to ICU I thocht.

   Isnae fair folk see I reply,

I am too stubborn to lay doon and dee,

It'll take mair than a virus tae see me aff,

I'm Fou a worry some times actin daft.

Noo in my heid my thoughts are flitting,

The sides A my brain they be skelpin,

They got me up to high doh,  

Maist aye the time am a' richt,

'cept when am alane in the middle a the nicht.

Now its time to change the vernacular,

Use the Queen's English to get back on track at ya,

Thousands of Idea bouncing inside my head,

But my heart breaks when I try one and fail,

Its why I restrained myself,

Clipped my wings so I couldn't soar,

Because, a fall from on high hurts.

But the ICU hit, life on pause,

First you must win the fight,

Plan the battle hold the ground give no quarter,

It's a pitched battle, support from outside,

A team of expert specialists, launching assaults,

Suppling the front lines with fluids and antibiotics,

Helping the general to win the fight. 

I can’t breathe

Today I woke up, it’s hard to breathe,

Humidity rising, mucus forming,

Energy sapping, tasks impossible,

Walking up the stairs constant duress.

The heat rising my thoughts effected,

The heat rising my mood effected,

The heat rising my sleep effected,

The heat rising my will effected.

The climate of the world is changing,

Not just the weather that is changing

Shade of your skin should have no bearing,

In a new world built on caring.

The melanin in your skin doesn’t define your skill,

It doesn’t define the person within,

It doesn’t show the hard work you put in,

It’s not a factor in your intelligence.

I can’t breathe I am suffering,

I can breathe can you help me,

I can’t breathe I am suffering,

Sound familiar these words do?

We’re all equal that’s what we need.

Do you have the skills?

Do have the experience?

Do you have something else to bring?

These are the questions that matter.

We are humans,

We are one,

We all live under the sun,

We all love to laugh and have fun,

We’re United we are one.

Black Lives Matter.

ICU Life and Recovery Podcast

So this is a blog post, I know what am I doing, I am insane. But I just wanted to tell people who read my blog but maybe don't follow my tweets that closely. I started what I am hoping to be a monthly podcast called ICU Life and Recovery Podcast and set up a twitter account for it Twitter account. 

This is the most excited I have been for a project ever in my life, it is a concept I created, an ex-patient and patient advocate talking with experts about a topic they are passionate about in ICU. I feel patient insight is often overlooked or not used enough so I thought I have enough friends in the ICU field maybe I could get some of them to have a chat with me and record it and see how it turned out. So I set out to plan out a concept writing up a concept document and planning out an order for the podcast.

I then spoke to my friends and a lot more than I expected agreed to be on it, enough that I started to feel a lot of pressure, I also was involved in an Intensive Care Society    webinar and then when I announced my podcast they were interested in helping support me and the pressure started to increase. Now I am partially to blame for this in that I created the twitter account and announce I was planning it before I had even recorded my intro. So a lot of people followed the account and it added stress to me that maybe wasn't great for me. 

But I now felt if I didn't make this happen I was going to let down my friends and that it's tough on me. So I recorded the introduction episode and had my good friend Heidi listen to it and tell me what she thought. I have done a lot of work with Heidi and we where at the EDA conference you can read about in previous blog posts. I did a little rearranging and fired it up through Anchor podcast distribution platform, it's easy and straight forward so I love it. It was well received and interest seemed to increase. So I had to decide who would be my first guest and I guess to a lot of people it would have been a hard one but to me, it was one person Kate Tantam. A loyal and supportive friend, I knew a few things, one that we wouldn't have dead air because she can talk about our topic of discussion till the day was done, this took the stress off the anti-social person that is me to carry the discussion. We have chatted a lot on the phone online etc so I know we can have discussions without stepping on each other and most importantly as a good friend I knew she would help make it great.

And it turned out great, it required more editing than I had expected mostly because I stutter and um when I am replying because I need to give my brain time to catch up even more so now post ICU. I do things to allow my slower brain to go through the processes and analyse the information. But finally after a lot of hard work I have an end product that I am extremely proud of.

So going forward I am probably going to blog a big about every new episode because I think it might be interesting and its really important to me so I thought you might like to hear about it.

My open Address to ICU Staff

These words that are to follow are from my heart,

I know right now that times they are a tough,

And your body and your mind are telling you enough,

I watch on in horror I don't know what to do,

There will always be a bond between me and you.

I have borne witness to your superhero nature,

Asked to do the impossible never fazed and always gracious,

You work so hard to bring those back from the brink,

Care for those people with a fire that's tenacious,

Even if the patient's progress seems glacier.

  

I see your struggle and I feel your pain,

I lay in that bed, a person you have saved,

So if you need me now in this time of your struggle,

I offer you my hand as any brother would do the same,

If you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on,

You can have mine too,

ICU ain't easy this we know as facts,

But why do we forget the protectors who had our backs?

I struggled in silence with a lot of my issues,

But let me tell you this it's not the model you must use,

Reach out to others what you must do,

We're all in this together is how the song goes,

There is more to you than your fingers and toes.

Mental health is something we don't reference,

A taboo topic especially in healthcare,

So we let it fester and affect our welfare,

So if you are broken or confused, 

Just remember you're human it can happen to you,

You need to ask for help there is no shame in that,

We're all just people trying to make it through,

But I see you and the awesome work you do.

To my family in the ICU,

If you are reading this then that means you,

We can work together to get through this,

I understand that we expect a lot,

But I know you're human not a robot,

You are all awesome of that I have no fear,

But we are here to support you in your time of need.

International Nurses Day

Hey so today is international nurses day and I am always thankful for all the great nurses who have looked after me while I have been in hospital. They have made bad times less bad and recovery less daunting. But here's something you might not know if you have not read my early blogs four and a half years ago I would have died if it hadn't been for the instinct and actions of a nurse, DB. She thought I was a lot sicker than the ED medics thought and followed me up to general receiving and got me seen by the High dependency unit and less than 24 hrs later I was in ICU after my oxygen stats dropped to the low 80s and I was confused and incoherent as well as paranoid. If I had have been left on a general ward by the time it was noticed I had deteriorated I might have been a lot worst or even dead.

Then I was in ICU where a team of ICU nurses looked after me 24/7 for 3 weeks 2 and a half on a ventilator. The nurses controlling every aspect of my bodily function, it is an intense job for an intense ward, the fact is ICU nurses look after the sickest people in the hospital and help them recover from things that would kill others. They are some of the kindest people in the entire world, they see people at their absolute worst and still have smile on their faces. They work extremely hard in supporting the ICU survivors back to health.

So on this most important day I want to say thank you to all the hard-working nurses at NHS Ayrshire and Arran because without them I'd be in a much worst place but I also want to thanks some of my friends who are nurses, who work so very hard to make the world better for people either through world-class care or world-class research. 

Eve aka BrowofJustice, my friend who made me feel welcome on social media who helped me be the best me I could be and supported my writing when I was starting out.

Kate Tantam The RehabLegend, one of the hardest working people I know and one of the biggest hearts. She is a wonderful person and a great nurse trying to improve ICU for everyone.

Heidi Lindroth An ICU researcher and ICU nurse, she works hard to reduce delirium and is a is also a wonderful human being. Always looking for ways to make things better.

Kali Dayton Her podcast Walking Home From The ICU is a wonderful resource and a must listen to anyone who hasn't. IT is well thought out and executed and provides insight into a whole range of ICU related topics as well as views from lots of different health care professions. Yes she is a Nurse Practioner but you have to be a nurse first so I am counting her :)

Pam Ramsay  A former ICU nurse turned ICU researcher, she gave me my first chance of speaking about my time in ICU and my writing of poems. Without that first step I am not sure where I would be, it was big deal as she didn't know me and I had no idea who she was but she placed her trust in me and that meant alot.

Caroline Ashton I don't hold it against her that the first time we met she thought I was a waiter, I was wearing my three-piece suit and wasn't wearing my jacket so I understood the confusion. She is a hard worker trying to raise understanding of delirium and dementia mostly single-handed. She is a kind person who wants increase the understanding of Delirium superimposed on dementia.

There are so many other great nurses out there too but these are my friends and I am extremely honoured and humbled to call them that. Few can match them and none can surpass them.